The X Factor Final. Part 1.

Dermot starts by descending from some pole for no reason that I could fathom at all. The obligatory sing-a-long next with Luke looking a bit uncomfortable. Sing-a-longs aren't really his thing. Thereagain, they weren't James Arthur's either.

We then get a very long drawn out visit by Nicholas to Scotland with Louis. He eventually starts singing Candy from a silly balloon and an absolutely huge number of dancers and whoever on stage with him. He sort of disappears. Gary makes a good point about that performance not exactly showing off his voice very well. That was very average. I almost expected Robbie to emerge at one point.

Another long, long set piece of Sam in Leicester. She and Sharon doing karaoke at some pub more or less summed the night up. Oh dear. Sam is better than that. Maybe the producers aren't that bothered. They did get Peter Dickson to do the announcement at the Leicester Hall, though!! Unless it was a recording. Still, sounded quite impressive.

When Sam eventually gets going it's the splendid The Edge Of Glory. She is doing reasonably well but then very deliberately puts down the mic and grabs some fireman's pole. Terrible blue outfit and she did not look at all right doing the pole thing. Good voice but I'd rather watch Lady Gaga. That wasn't an obviously winning performance like some of her past have been.

48 minutes in and just two performances. That'll give you an idea of how tonight's going.

Luke does the Fun number We Are Young. Not the best of starts but once he gets going it's better. He doesn't have a pole but he has a train set. Looks good on TV. That was OK but no better really than Sam. Beat Nicholas, just.

The bookies started off with Sam 1/5, Nicholas 9-1 and Luke 11-1. Nothing seems to have changed half-way through.

Tom Odell is great - and actually if you listen to him you can see how successful Luke could be. Now it's Luke with Ellie Gould supporting him. Anything Could Happen is one of those songs that come true - remember what it did for Fifth Harmony? Launched them into outer space, chart-wise, although I suppose they did still come 3rd.

Nicholas gets Shane from Westlife. He only gets to sing a line before the compulsory intro. Whereas Ellie and Luke genuinely seemed together, Luke was quite dominated and outclassed by Shane in the annoying Flying Without Wings song.

Sam gets Nicole Scherzinger who is pretty amazing! She should do more like that. Actually , despite Sam's efforts, Nicole totally dominated the whole thing and that was quite a good reminder of how Sam, good as she is, is not stunningly good and may only just ever be an album artist doing good covers after winning. I hate to say that but I guess we needed the reminder as to just how powerful you need to be really to warrant the prize.

Unbelievably, Kitty JEdward, Rylan, TwoShoes, Diva Fever and goodness knows who else, oh, Johnny Robinson and the ghastly Wagner too, appear n some crazy reminiscence that reminds us how weird this show has been.

In complete and utter contrast, The Killers have a set and start with the marvellous Human. Second track Mr Brightside, also excellent and here is a band that set the whole place alight.

Nicole, Tom Odell and The Killers really have shown what the X Factor actually is. And, to be really honest, so far only Luke has shown a glimmer of that.

Dermot's results time: first through has to be Sam. Yes, of course. This is the big one, though. Luke or Nicholas? Grannies rule. It's Nicholas they vote through. That's going to be a tedious Final.

And Then There Were Five

This is a 10 Year X Factor Celebration show, with lots of nice little clips and memories.

Olly Murs starts the show, possibly instead of the annoying sing-a-long. X Factor USA are celebrating the British Invasion (presumably they mean pop music) and had 1D so this is in a similar vein. 1D jet in tomorrow's results show and will probably get asked the same questions and sing the same song, They made a good job across the Pond - see the video on my XFactorUSA blog.

Olly's a great ad for the show. He lost to little Joe McElderry who has never been seen since. The only thing that bothers me about Olly is his grammar is absolutely dreadful and Pur Yer And on My Arse doesn't sound quite how I imagine the writer wrote it.

Olly's backing Rough Copy. They'll like that. He adds Sam Bailey at the last minute, just in case.

It's interesting to compare the two shows this and t'other side of the Pond. Dermot O'Leary is such a good presenter - he seems to have totally taken on board the role and, whatever his real views, seems to like all the acts and, as listeners to his Radio 2 Saturday afternoon show and several other more serious projects he has done recently, the chap is intelligent and very much in the zone. Mario Lopez is improving week by week in USA. He doesn't have the depth of knowledge that Dermot possesses but he does have a pleasant way of dealing with people and, above all, comes across naturally and not as scripted as the dreadful Khloe and wooden Steve Jones had been in previous years.

In fact, Dermot almost leads the show, now that the judges have been changed around a fair bit and do seem to have lost their authority these days. Sharon is so out of place in 2013. She may have just managed to fit in at the show's start but now, no.

First off of the contestants is little Nicholas. Ha ha! I'm writing this live so it's so funny to see little Joe McElderry (who I'd said seemed to have disappeared!!) helping him with, of all tracks The Climb. Or The Ruddy Climb as Olly would have referred to the song as it was that track that Joe excelled at in the final.

That was some coincidence. Nicholas has an over-produced version for this year compared to the very note perfect and gentle Joe version. This was quite boring. When he was singing alone without all the pzzazz, he wasn't as good as he had been in previous weeks. He made a good job of this but I cannot see anyone wanting to buy this stuff except grannies and his mum. Louis wouldn't either - and he's his mentor. He gets a ridiculous birthday cake. All credit to whoever made that, by the way. I expect Nicholas will be in the Top 5 and many have him in the final.

Nicholas is 2nd favourite but still some way behind Sam Bailey.

Hannah is doing Hallelujah. Seeing her meeting Alexandra Burke really cannot have improved her view of her own appearance but she does sing well. This is a classic song that I now feel has been sung too much. I am not at all sure that Hannah knew what it was all about. She was also a bit breathy tonight and this was not my favourite version of the song at all. The makeover team deserve a mention in the New Year Honours List for the work they've done with her appearance. All in all, much as she's not my favourite in this competition, I have to give her credit and that was, as Louis said, her best performance in the competition. She is still favourite to go but after that Luke may struggle.

And here he comes. What Makes You Beautiful is the 1D hit that he's performing. It's pretty good. What the voters will make of it I don't know. To me it seemed like a star performing on a stage and this was a confident and immaculate show that he put on. If it is between him and Hannah, as expected, then it will be sad if he loses. Who knows? Voters may lift him and so everything now depends on what Tamera and Rough Copy do.

Rough Copy do Little Mix? Good grief. That might save Luke after all! I have never been very impressed with Little Mix's song writers - especially when compared to 1D's and Olly's, amongst others. So someone else doing a song can often make it sound even less good. In this case Rough Copy were great and current and I have to admit that the audience liked that a lot but it didn't strike me as something that will get the voting viewers lines particularly hot. Obviously the audience loved it so I may be wrong but I can't see that working well for them generally. Nothing they do seems to fir X Factor anyway. Well, it may fit X Factor but it doesn't fit the group.

Rylan Clarke, Chico and Shayne Ward behind the scenes seem to be having a great time. I bet Leon Jackson isn't around. Or Eoghann Quinn. Maybe Ray though.

Tamera Foster needs something special tonight. Gary was spot on, saying last week that she has to have that moment. She says to Olly how she remembers watching X Factor at her grandma's. And her grandma loved Olly. That says a lot. She's singing Impossible. As if we hadn't already had enough of this from chewing the words James. Se looks beautiful with short and straight hair. I hope for her sake that it was mic problem that broke the words a couple of times near the start. I would rather watch and listen to Tamera than James any day. 

It seems that she did, indeed, lose the words and got caned for it by the judges. Not a good review although I don't think that it was anything like as noticeable as Gary said. I like her and hope that she survives. Against any of the others, though, I would worry about her chances and so as there is a good chance she'll be Bottom Two tomorrow this could be farewell Tamera. And she has only herself to blame, I'm afraid. Pity.

Sam Bailey closes the show with Leona Lewis to match Bleeding Love. Leona looks quite a bit older now! Sam intelligently comments that she doesn't want to be someone who just sings other people's songs. I don't know what she could do to change this one, though. Near the end she did manage to take it somewhere quite different, however, and I was quite impressed. Well done. 

Sharon mentions something about the papers. I suppose that's the news we hear that she has been getting 30% of the votes, topping the poll by a mile every week.

The Top 8 do something with big bands

While X Factor USA has Simon Cowell and acts doing this year's No.1s, indeed one doing Lorde's Royals, the UK recent No.1, we have Big Band week. Hmmm.

We do have Dermot O'Leary, though. Nicole Scherzinger appears in an extremely yellow dress. 'No more backing tracks' says Sharon. Not so sure that'll improve anything. Some rather needed that.

Abi gets to start off the show. Quite how she'll cope on this very unusual night no-one knows. That's Life doesn't sound like her scene but we learn that her dad's in a big band and she is familiar with the genre after all. The make-over team have done really well, she certainly looks great. She sings well and with confidence - a lot better than I'd expected. A nice job. She did seem a little 'stuck' on her podium and some of the movements were a bit forced and not that natural. I'm not so sure she was that comfortable but still she made a good effort. Much depends on how the voters see her. She's not that popular so I reckon she'll still be vulnerable this week.

Sam Bailey is the current bookies' favourite, not that they're been right much in the past. she seems to have been visited by Michael Bolton. Not quite sure why, and will the others get called upon by their heroes? I don't know. But anyway, back to her performance. Well, she can sure sing! I can't see anyone beating that in terms of good old style bashing the notes out. For those who like that sort of thing, she was excellent. That's not what people are going to buy in 2014, more 1974 if not before. However, that's what will get her through easily to next week and let's hope that she gets to bring something more today to the show. She has the ability and the make-over team have stripped years away from her so she has every chance of appealing across the board - just needs the right material and not merely to sing like someone else does.

Nicholas will sing well. We know that. But will it all hang together? I'm not quite sure what Louis had in mind in terms of 'Big Band' with the Dream A Little Dream track. I suppose there was a band in the background but this was more a clever Louis move to get the youngster through safely. He seems to be the most popular boy at the bookies and also on some on-line polls. This was a simple, sing-a-long performance. Really nothing spectacular or anything that anyone other than grannies and his mum would buy. Big band week was always going to be this way so I shall not draw any more conclusions. The guy will get through, end of story.

Luke is a very likeable character. He just gets up and does what he feels like. This is a good song for him but not an easy one at all. He struggles. Despite a lot of effort to bring it back you just feel that he is singing one track and the band are playing another. This was not so good. He could be in a spot of bother after that.

Hannah has another voice problem apparently. I can't see that stopping her belting it out on the night, though. She has a great song to perform. Dressed in a dark suit she looks pretty good and sings well. After a while I get a bit tired of her tone but no-one can deny that she has power and talent. I find her style revolting, though. Those low notes and what she does with her mouth are not something that I can listen or watch easily. However, she was confident and did a good job of the number. That ought to see her through, depending on how her popularity holds up amongst voters.

Rough Copy
They enjoyed this. It was a very cool performance and a great track choice for them. Great! Best of the night so far. Really good job and so unlike what we'd expect from these guys on a CD in 2014. Now that is how to put on a show - even if the theme is not of your choosing. Nicole and Louis both say they should make the final.

Tamera
This is a wonderful performance by the girl who should win this whole competition. Not an easy track at all, especially with the live band but she makes it seem simple. Looking fabulous with near perfect make-up and dress and hair. A really good act. I have to make her best of the night. Now, will the voters vote for her or will the reports of her attitude in the background cause trouble again. There were rumours again of Simon Cowell getting involved and insisting that every effort was made to put her across as well as possible. Well, they certainly have done that, whatever and whoever's behind it all. Amazing. She has to get through.

Sam Callahan

Sam is closing the show which is quite a responsibility for the fellow who has probably suffered more than anyone from bad comments and reviews so far. Not a week has gone by without someone criticising him. It seems that he loves the Big Band genre so that's a good start. He certainly seems at home with the band and girls on the stage. All very old style stuff, pleasing enough on the eye and actually quite decent on the ear too. The notes were right and he came across well. OK, so the voice wasn't as strong as it could be but I don't think that mattered. He showed himself as a great performer, and someone who could be relied upon to do a good job out there on the stage. The judges made a very special effort not to say anything negative this time. Dermot tried to push Gary but Gary hung on in there and just did the 'A for effort' thing like the others had done. 

It would be a shame if Sam Callahan were to go in the very week that he performed his best but I feel it has to be either him or Abi. Again, Nicholas could be the shock entry in the Bottom Two with a pretty tiresome performance two weeks running. He'd be safe, though, and whoever he's up against would go.

Live Shows Week 3 Movie Week

It's time [pause] to face [pause] the movies. Hmmm. Not sure how well that worked despite Peter Dickson's best efforts! Dermot seems particularly animated tonight. Maybe they've all been told to do something to compete better with BBC's Strictly Come Dancing.

Rough Copy start. Gary seems to go a bit over the top in his support for these three. Like his attempt to balance the publicity as they haven't done so well in some newspapers. Ha ha! They're doing the Brian Adams big one Everything I Do I For You. Good choice as this is a pure vocal group and they are three of the best singers in this competition. This'll go down really well and get them back next week no trouble. Like a trump card, but maybe Gary has played it a bit too soon in the game?

My only thought is whether we need another croony tune band. They did have an edge but that has been well rubbed away. Gary tells us that the group actually chose the track so all credit to them for that move.

Sam Callahan is getting plenty of modelling work so when he gets kicked out he'll still have plenty of work.
The U2 number All I Want Is You is quite good. A great song that isn't played that much. His delivery is much improved on last week and you get the feeling he has worked very hard. I had expected him to be at risk this week.

Hannah tries Skyfall. There's a ot of fire and stuff on the stage but this shows just how good Adele is. Hannah's was a brave effort but not as good as she has been before. I don't know how she is going down with the public. I tend to feel that the judges are all trying to boost her with the comments they make. Hannah still doesn't look very happy but she may well survive.

Nicholas does In The Arms Of An Angel very well. A little without feeling but note perfect. He ought to be safe as grannies will love him and some girls too maybe. He does remind me of little Joe McElderry still. Bringing his godfather into the programme may not have been such a good idea though.

Poor Abi Alton. This may be her last week after an extraordinarily wobbly and painful Moon River. So sad to listen to. You just felt so sorry for her and wonder what on earth the judges will say to avoid being too upsetting. Everyone said she was good but I am really not so sure. She is clearly disappointed. I can only guess that she was very very nervous.

Nice to see Miss Dynamix back. They do need to perform and justify their place in the Top 11. Dreams is OK but nothing special. I think it's enough to keep them in but they'll be the first group out sooner or later. Lots of nonsense from one of them, like an early audition appeal. Bit late for that now. It's all down to performing well. Simple.

Sam Bailey is not going to be the third Over in a row to go. She's singing the Go On song from Titanic, not as well as Celine Dion but a good effort. A bit slow and boring but a nice change to hear all the notes in the right places. Pretty sure that'll go down well with voters.

Kingsland Road do Pretty Woman. That's a nice safe one too, like Sam preceding them. This a good band, very together and how they failed to get backing last week I do not know. Excellent stuff. A bit commercial but I can live with that from them. I am not sure they'll win but they do deserve to be around for a while.

Luke Friend is one of the few truly individual performers (Abi could be but hasn't been). He's singing Kiss From A Rose which is something I don't recall anyone doing on a reality show. It suits his voice well and he looks good with the guitar and that went down pretty well. He should be OK.

Tamera Foster is my favourite this year. She puts a lot into her performances and once again was spot on. The song wasn't great. A Beyonce number. I can't recall the title. It sort of passed by. Neither one thing or the other but she is great to look at and listen to.

So, who's going? Not Tamera for a start!

I'd say Abi, Sam and Miss Dynamix are those at risk this week. The voters choose a group again. This time it's Miss Dynamix. That'll be sad for them and they may have a bit of a struggle. Much depends whoever they're up against and if that's Abi, they may be going home.

Live Show: Week 1. The One About Dermot's Trousers

Nice to see Dermot back in charge. Something funny happened with his trousers - I will have to check that but I was trying to set up the X Factor app, thinking that we were going to be told that we would be able to use that genuinely to make a difference. I needn't have bothered. It's still phones as before and one will be chosen as vulnerable at the end of the show.

Hannah Barrett

I have to say that the second makeover has worked marvels and all credit for singing the opening Live Show and doing so in tune. That was about it really. Boring otherwise and highly unmemorable.

Nicholas McDonald

True. Good song for this guy. This is the sound of my soul. Pity he'd never heard of them and he can't really get across the emotion. An odd high note in the middle that wasn't so good. He did a reasonable job but, again, nothing we'll remember.

Miss Dynamix

Dodgy start. They would have been better just doing the fast stuff. That first minute was awful but, in all fairness, they did recover, unless that was someone turning up the backing track. They'll certainly need to be better than that to survive for longer. There is a chance they might even be vulnerable, being at the bottom of the Twitter follower list earlier today.

Sam Bailey

Very good, much as we'd expected. She is a good singer and deserves all the acolades as that was on par with the Jennifer Rush version. Excellent make-over. One of the best so far. Obviously Sam will be around for some time yet. I do just question how she fits in the market for most music buyers as her appeal at the moment looks like recycling oldies. Nothing wrong with that but is that really X factor? I don't know.

Sam Callahan

He has a BIG task with this song. So many people, myself included, have this in their Top 10 singles of all time so he cannot risk screwing it up. He made a good effort. I was waiting for it to explode more than it did but well done, Sam. This is a good start to the UK shows.

Kingsland Road

I'm Your Man is a strange choice that will either work or it won't. They looked all right before and I don't see much difference after makeover. That was great. Good job, lads! I would like to have had a stronger lead vocal driving it forward but that still worked and got the crowd well on their side and there sure was plenty of energy and, well, that's them through OK.

Shelley Smith

That was considerably better than I had expected but still just big singing and this is not someone I feel comfortable watching on a big screen too close. She hit the notes well and certainly came out with a true 80s sound. This is one of the best sets of first rounders I can remember, with this being one that I had thought would be pretty dire.

Abi Alton

This could go wrong but I am hoping and hoping that it won't. Her voice is clear and she sure does put her own spin on this one but not qute as effectively as I'd thought. Too many missed notes through nervousness. Not very good, Abi. She was favourite but that may have knocked her chances a bit. However, she'll get through and I think she will have more success later.

Lorna Simpson

Not the best of starts here either. But she does recover quickly and does the belting out business well enough, Another excellent makeover has transformed this lady quite effectively. It's not my kind of performance and I don't see her selling records but for those who do like it then she was fine. Like both of Sharon's other acts, I see no place for them in the mainstream market as none appear to bring anything that hasn't been done before. Still, it's early days and such a change to have so many that can sing.

Tamera Foster

This girl looks fabulous. That's a good start. Starts, like so many, a bit wobbly but then she was away and those amazing legs strode confidently and in time across the stage. This was very much in what I see as the X Factor zone. Great, one of the most impressive so far. Good judge reviews too. Nice job.

Luke Friend

So pleased that this guy got through and well done to Louis for taking a chance. He has a good voice and this is one of the few that are spot-on from the start. This track can be terribly boring but Luke brings out the best of what the track is all about and brings it as much to life as it can be. Definitely deserves his place. That was probably the best of the night. I also disagree with Sharon that his voice isn't so good. His was far less wobbly and nervous than many. Nice confident performance. The guy's enjoying himself and that means a lot.

Rough Copy

The group close the show, performance-wise. They have a great opportunity to appeal to lots of voters with this track. It's not that great a track in itself but there's quite a bit they can do with it. Soft start and each has a go but it is when they are all together that the good harmonies and natural blend works best. Nice set, with a touch of Westlife and Take That boy band going on. All good. Not sure they quite topped the bill tonight but they must have come a close 2nd or 3rd. This has been a good night. I am usually highly critical of the UK programme in its early stages but I have to say that that was the best start I can recall.

Simon, you have competition this time.

Voting starts and there is what they call a Flash Vote where I believe one act is put at risk straightaway.

I can't call tonight. Miss Dynamix and Shelley may be at risk. I am also not sure how Sam Callahan will do and Hannah's been a bit unpopular. So, one of those four is as close as I can go. If pushed I'd say Shelley goes. Miss Dynamix also close.

Dermot gives us the results for the first sing-off. I got that right. Shelley is the one with the lowest in the first vote. Voting continues, with existing numbers still counting but no-one can vote for Shelley. Tomorrow we find out who is also vulnerable. Whoever it is, though, I feel it will be Shelley going.

X Factor UK Week 2 More from Melanie and Abi

Shelley's a white van driver and put on a powerful version of Feeling Good to get a place at Bootcamp.

Jade Richards narrowly missed getting through in a previous year. She wasn't looking so good in the small room but on the bigger stage she looked much better and performed an Amy number, earthy and moody.

The Dolly Rockers were fun and together. The judges must know about some pretty damn spectacular groups out there already in order to turn them down and not even grant a Bootcamp slot to these three girls.

Melanie McCabe is on her fourth attempt and I featured her amazing performance in the small room last post. She has done it again on the big stage with a stunning version of Titanium which beats all the other versions I've heard by a mile and, particularly, the version that a runner-up last year released. She has a captivating look and simply has to be in the Live Shows with some smart management. Watching her in competition with Abi Alton and some others yet to be shown should be great TV,



Have to smile at Dermot's expression as Barclay the yodeller gets through to Bootcamp.

Luke Friend carries on, mostly shouting but Sharon doesn't complain as she had to some girl earlier,

Five girls performed I Don't Care extremely politely, probably not helped in viewers' eyes by shots backstage of one of the mothers dancing around as if it was her favourite track. It just didn't work, which was a shame as they were attractive and could sing and dance and, with some attention, were at least as competent as whatever first constituted Little Mix had been.

This girl is the one that really gets the audience on their feet. She took a chance by performing something she'd written herself. Interestingly, the Xtra Factor shows her doing a second track that the main show viewers will know nothing about.

Un-b-bloody-Baloney-lievable

If you watch Dermot O'Leary carefully there's a sense of resignation, frustration in his voice as three acts are still left standing on Sunday's Results Show. Two of the acts are the 'bottom two', with all that implies - one has to go and the other carry on with the knowledge that not many people are voting for them and the third goes straight through and, for all we know, may actually have topped the poll. Surprisingly at this stage of the competition, he's told to go to an ad break.

A few minutes later, the name he calls out as 'safe' is Christopher. Watch his eyes as they momentarily flash to the heavens.

We're left with the two groups to sing off. District3 had been tipped to be in trouble but can hardly have expected to have been up against Union J. Both make a really good effort with their key singers leading and I didn't spot anything that either act should be at all disappointed about in those performances. You do have to wonder why they couldn't have brought such excellence out on Saturday night - as is so often the case, acts produce some of their best performances just before they go.

I liked Louis' decision not to vote for either act and half-hoped that the rest would do the same in protest, not that that would have prevented one going though. Union J had put in a particular strong performance and I am sure that most viewers would accept that they had the edge on that occasion so it was farewell to District3.

Most commentators have made the point that having two first class groups may well have split that section of the vote which is why we had this extraordinarily frustrating outcome. Whether Old Baloney was up their with the top votes or actually just scraped through with a handful more than Union J remains to be seen. I honestly have no idea now. The same commentators on both X factor and Xtra Factor struggled to say anything nice about Baloney other than that 'he's a nice chap' which I'm sure he is. I don't know about you, though, but for the second week running, I cringed at the way he kept attempting to cuddle Ella when Olly and Caroline have them on the bench. That's not right, however paternally he may intend the gesture to the 16 year old. Compared to the interaction between everyone else which is just innocently playful, that is odd and if I were Ella I'd be demanding that next week they bring her on with Union J or the Boys. Rylan crawls all over everyone but it just seems good fun.

Rylan, of course, was actually the worst vocal this week by a mile and he happily admits that, (which kind of makes him even more likeable!) He survives because his personality has endeared him to what must be millions and I can definitely see him with a great career in tv entertainment ahead. I'd say he ought to go now but next has to be Old Baloney. Then Rylan. Then I see Jahmene going as there surely has to be a limit on how much wailing we can take. He's a decent chap but I'm not as impressed with his singing now as I was when he started. He's not handling new, less familiar to him, tracks anywhere like as well. The only thing that might see him through further would be if he sang one of his gospel numbers that he knows like the back of his hand, with no complicated routines to remember.

That should leave Union J, Ella and James in the final. James is getting all the votes from the pundits now. Union J will certainly have a big-selling album and Simon will get them out there wherever they finish. I was about to put Ella in third place when she sang a few lines of a track she'd written herself on Xtra Factor. Recalling too that her audition track was also something she'd written herself I have had to remind myself that she has that extra talent and, if she could be allowed to do something of her own somehow, that might produce those 'moments' that this show really has lacked so far. She would be more confident and may sing with more genuine meaning and know where the notes should go as opposed to trying to reflect what someone has told her where they should go on someone else's number.

There is one thing that surely has to be the case, though: for any of those acts to lose a place in the final to Old Baloney would be awful, and possibly cause great damage to the show as a large part of its audience, realising that they were watching in the company of grannies, labour club-goers and cruise ship passengers, decide to watch something else instead. I'll see it through to the end but expect increasing frustration may result in my articles becoming strewn with expletives.

Happier times - Jaheme getting head patted by Dermot in a previous week.

Little Mix this week. Producers decided they were too scary-looking for Hallowe'en week

X Factor UK Week 2: Dermot Takes Charge

At least it's now even - with three in each category after Carolynne failed to impress voters sufficiently and found herself at the bottom of the pile last week. Louis got all the blame and Gary walked out but it's time to move on now.

I like the way Dermot's taking charge of the show. And there's a change of seating 'after nine years'.

Dermot lists the numbers. Cue the screams. On that basis, Union J win and Melanie doesn't. But let's see how they all do tonight.

Jahmene

Spot-on singing but no connection between the amazing voice and the lyrics. Great performance but lacking real emotion. One of Louis' 'favourite ever ever contestants'. What? Out of all nine years?

Nicole calls Jahmene 'Baby Cakes'. No-one quite likes to ask.

Dermot said he wouldn't but, yes, he does the heady patting eventually, despite Jahmene ducking out at his first try!

Christopher

Big ears looks like a football ref. Sings like one after a few beers. dreadful start. Oh, it's the Heart number again. Typical karaoke stuff. Solid voice but who'd going to buy this sort of stuff? He separates each word. Sounds odd. looks odd. He gets only modest applause. He needs to go.

Dermot doesn't heady pat Christopher.

Union J

Hope they get the song together better than they did their attempt at 'Team Louis' in unison. My God, it's bleedin' Bleeding Love. That works really well actually. An excellent arrangement. Brilliant. That'll go down well with the fans - and the voting fans too.

No heady patting though.

Ella

Can someone please leave her hair alone? She looks so good naturally. Are the 40s coming back? If so then release her album now and get it over with. This, though, is one of the most difficult songs ever. Loving You Is So Beautiful. OK, she hit the notes, amazing notes at that, but... but there was no emotion or connection at all. It was a bit clinical and, talented as she may be, that's not going to get her the most votes this week. Minnie Ripperton had the feeling and the notes and, whilst she didn't have any more success than that to my knowledge, if you dig out her version you'll see what was missing from Ella's. That might change the odds a little, especially with such a strong Union J performance. Doubt I'll get 25-1 on them again for a while.

So, will she get some heady patting from Dermot. With that hair? Perhaps not.

James

Nicole says 'This is my first time in a pub' during the preview bit.
James gets a call from Mary Blige and, unless he's acting really well, he handles that extremely well - he's looking and sounding very mature, not at all as I'd expected him to be coming across.

Now this guy can do feeling. No More Pain was delivered as if he meant every word. This guy's good. That was a 'moment'. Well done, James.

Nicole likes his trousers. No heady patting.

Lucy

After all the bad news she'd had in the week, and in 'Love and Heartbreak' week, she does a cheery song. Gold Digger. Remarkably well done as if she'd written it herself. Nice performance, totally natural and relaxed. That should be popular.

No heady patting for Lucy either.

District 3

They didn't like the song. I Swear. Heavy production. These guys have good voices and harmony and pull off this tricky number. Not bad but Union J get the boy band votes this week.

Nicole wants them like tabasco on apple pie. And baby oil, with all the actions. Well, not all of them but enough to make you wonder.

It'll be interesting to see how the votes total up - will there be enough for both to be safe? If so then when one does eventually go that could well seal the deal for the other. If not, they'll be out soon.

Jade

Forgettable song last week, despite an excellent makeover. Love Is A Losing Game. Accentuating the tone of her voice that distinguishes her but that also showed the notes that she didn't make which was a shame. I'm not a big fan and I'm not sure how many voters are. She seems very much on her own in this competition - that might help her but she needs to make her own space somehow, like Rebecca did.

Louis says she's in a tough category. That's right, for sure, and I think she knows it but there's nothing to stop two girls being in the final four. Unfortunately, I don't see her being one of them.

She gets a shoulder pat from Dermot instead of heady patting which sends her off before he's had a chance to read out the voting number so he has to call her back. Still no heady patting, though.

MK1

The bloke in the group puts on some sort of comedy act this week. Charlie's great but even her style makes this version of I Want You Back weird. That didn't work and even the dancers were totally irrelevant and mostly off screen. It was a bit like Jedward had returned in places. They may be in trouble.
they did make a good point themselves that they are aware that the people that like their style of music are not the type who normally watch X Factor, let alone vote! Fair comment and all credit to this pair for that.
They get hugs from Dermot. No heady patting.

Kye

This guy could easily be a future producer. Reminds me of Chris De Burgh. Great voice and production - I just wish he'd hit the high notes better in the first half. He may have rescued himself near the end when he was right in his best range and sounded good. He's a talented chap but may struggle. Christopher's and MK1's unpopular-sounding performances may just save him, as should the judges if it comes to it.

Rylan

Clear favourite to go at the start of the show but now looking safe with the bookies, at least! He doesn't wind up the show but he does wind up Gary by starting sing one of the Barlow numbers. Lovely. Starts then stops and is very relaxed in swapping from number to number in this weird mash-up and way OTT production. The budget's gone to hell. Groove Is In The Heart was never in tune in the 70s so he could get away with some dodgy bits but actually was not at all bad. It was weird but interesting and even included reference to Gangham Style and loads of references to the new wave of Korean stuff coming our way in there too. An informed production for which Brian gets all the deserved credit. I've no idea what to make of it and nor will many voters but it was bizarre enough to keep him in.

No heady patting as he towers over Dermot like a giraffe.

Melanie

White trouser suit. Flares. That says 1970 to me. Bond-style silhouette behind her is more interesting than Melanie. Two Worlds Collide was over sung but oversung pretty well. Not sure how that'll go down. I'd have given her a Righteous Brothers track.

Louis says the old school is now new school. OK? Whatever that means.
Tulisa, in an attempt to catch up with the million points already scored by Nicole this week, says Melanie was in MILF mode. No baby oil, though.

Nor heady patting.

So that's Week 2 done - apart from the results. It should be Christopher going home but might be District 3 or MK1 getting the close shave. Jade, Melanie and Kye should thank their lucky stars for another week.

Week 1 Result: Producers 1. Carolynne Didn't.

 

The first results show. Wow! If SYCO were looking for headlines in the tabloids, a mass of Twitter messages and to hit as many other publicity buttons as they could to boost ratings then they did a good job with this show.

Dermot raced through the acts that were safe - he had ten of those and calling out District3's name between Ella's and Lucy's was the first surprise. Union J, Christopher, Carolynne and Ryan were the four left standing. Being 'in no particular order', putting Union J on the safe side of the stage was predictable as they may well have had one of the biggest votes, despite a lacklustre performance last night.

That left us with Christopher, Carolynne and Rylan. We guessed that Christopher, having only just been brought back from obscurity with public wild card votes, was safe and it was, indeed, Carolynne and Rylan left standing as the two acts with the lowest votes.

That was quite a surprise. Both had put in reasonable performances last night. Both had been in tune and stronger than several of the others but this is all about who the people actually voting prefer and, certainly to me, Rylan had not garnered as much of an early following as I'd expected and Carolynne had just not impressed anyone with a song that her natural supporters may have recognised. She may have fared considerably differently with a safe standard as she was confident, looked really attractive and sang very well but just not in a way that appealed to enough people pressing the numbers on their mobiles on a Saturday night.

Their sing-off performances were both good. Rylan was in his element with an excellent choice of One Night Only which I wondered might be apt. He was in tune and it was a strong performance with a gorgeous background and everything just worked for him. Carolynne was faultless and produced a stunning performance which all her supporters must have wished she'd done the night before. As she finished to impressive applause from everyone, she was the obvious choice to stay if anyone was to be judged on those performances.

Betfair's odds showed Carolynne favourite to go at the beginning of the sing-off. As she sang those odds reversed and Rylan became the clear favourite to go instead.

Now the fun starts. You know that Gary would support her and Nicole would support Rylan so it was down to Tulisa and Louis. You can also be pretty sure that the judges had been tipped off beforehand as to the voting and would have chatted about what to do. My guess is the producers had told Louis to take it to deadlock and Gary to argue and do something like walk off in disgust.

So that is more or less exactly what happened. At the end of the day, Gary would have to accept that Carolynne's bottom place in the voting wasn't boding well for her in future weeks and Rylan does have that entertainment value too which, in the absence of a Jedward or Wagner this year, the show seems to insist on.

Louis played along brilliantly and got everyone annoyed, not least good old Dermot O'Leary desperately watching the clock and trying to get a decision out of him. In fact, Louis first said he was saving Carolynne and you really did have to feel sorry for her when he clarified that, well, completely reversed it if we're being accurate, and said that he wanted to leave it to the public vote - hence saving Rylan.

That gave us tonight's unexpected result of Carolynne falling at this first hurdle and Rylan living for another week. It may also have given SYCO  better viewing figures for next week by the time the headline writers have had their day!